Stare steadily into the eyes of a young hotshot player who is laughing as his teammates mock you and make sexual remarks. Stay focused. You cannot waver or walk away. You can't turn and respond, no, that will do no good. And no matter what, no matter how physically and emotionally impossible it feels, you cannot cry. Don't show one single emotion. Smile, ask your questions as if you are being respected with quiet understanding of the job you're trying to do. Pretend that your interview subject isn't testing you and turning to his laughing teammates. Hold on. It's the clubhouse. Your office and theirs.
Welcome.
In my nearly seven years as a MILB writer, this type of experience doesn't happen even half of the time. Not that bad, anyway. Yes, there's usually one player, sometimes a few that call me out to embarrass me or make a filthy comment. And while I've always turned my head to that, the recent controversy over NFL reporter Ines Sainz in the Jets locker room made me wonder about my own reaction, which was a mixture of a shrug and a fist in the air. I shrugged at whistling and catcalling. That's never bothered me. I threw my fist in the air for good measure, though. Because, hey, wait a minute, are we saying she deserves everything she gets based on how she dresses? Athletes will be grateful for that free pass. Funny thing is, I know women who wear business suits or jeans and have dealt with some pretty rough stuff from players. I get it, though. Sainz wears it low-cut and tight and she doesn't apologize. You can respect it or find it concerning. Or maybe you can feel a little bit of both.
But none of this is the point of why I wrote this. I started to wonder about what the differences are between the top tier of the sports pyramid, and covering the places where athletes are made. I've never covered the NFL or the NHL or NBA, and my experience at the MLB level consists of a few stories a year. This year it's a count of one. And I hear myself saying to someone that I love it that way. I don't want to cover the big leagues. Someone might say that at that level of sports, women are more protected and respected in the clubhouses and locker rooms. Sure about that? I've got stories I could share. And not from yesteryear.
Covering the minor leagues, and to be specific I've mostly covered the Eastern League, you learn quickly you will likely be the only woman in the clubhouse. A lot of those guys are young. Some are really, really young. If they've been in a strip club it was illegally. I thought today about all the players I've met and the experiences I've had with them. There has been far more good than bad, but it's all in how you look at it, isn't it? When NFL players think what they're doing is funny and harmless, maybe we're allowing them to think so. I wondered today if I'd gone a bit numb or if I'd just learned to handle it and ignore. Learning how to focus on doing your job and not be affected by the reactions of players is essential to survival.
Minor League Baseball is in many ways the same experience for writers as it is for players: it's scrappy, and without much promise of being Nationally recognized, and there aren't many perks. The money isn't the best. A lot of young writers start there and, like players, are working hard to move up. To be a woman in the minors is even scrappier. It's dirtier and uglier. If you're a priss, you won't make it, babe.
Ok, let's address that darling elephant. That giant thing is just asking to be noticed. How we look. Yeah, I know, you notice and make judgments based on that. With the newest controversy of women in the locker room, the appearance issue sticks her fat elephant butt in the equation again. This one is breaking my back.
And the reason is that I don't believe it's just about whether a woman looks professional in the the sports reporting industry. It's more than that. Because if I wore jeans you definitely wouldn't have a problem with that. And it's the fact that we're talking about it at all that drives me insane. As if THAT'S the reason men don't take women in the sports industry seriously. Sure, that might enter into it. But that's a good excuse. There's also a nice dose of boy's club sexism. Because if you were so worried about professional attire, you would tell off the guys who wear birkenstocks and t-shirts and jeans. Last I heard, offices don't allow jeans or sandals.
It's whether you find the sports reporter sexy or pretty. In the male dominated industry of sports you have to fit a mold. We all know it. Be safe. Dress a certain way and you can stamp your ticket to being taken seriously in Serious Sports Writer Land by the athletes you cover! Get on board! If you fit the mold, honey, players will all take you completely serious and they'll never, ever sexually harass you or question your knowledge. Sure.
In the minors, no one is dressing too spiffy in the press box. And for all the looks and some criticism I've gotten, let me tell you what matters to me. I would never cover a baseball game in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I overdress by Minor League standards. Do you know why? Because I am representing the great game of baseball. Putting on a pair of nice high heels and an impeccably cared for dress or skirt makes me feel I'm respecting how important the job is. I won't dress like I'm going to a game. I'm not a spectator. For the past two years I've covered the Trenton Thunder regularly. There is something meaningful to me about representing the Yankees. I take that seriously. Maybe the attire seems cutesy or too sexy at times, but I'm a woman and I like to be feminine. I respect this job enough not to show up wearing just anything. I stand out, sure. But that's ok. I like nice shoes and I hate jeans. Why are you more serious because you're dressing that way? I don't judge or doubt those who do.
My life in the minors can be lonely and weird. For any woman at that level, it's different from going higher up. You can feel the difference.
But my love for the minors is so deep that the challenges pale beside the difficulties. There's plenty of sexism. I don't take it too personally. You can't. It's the culture. I'm not going to change and neither are they. But in the minors, you're seeing the early morning of their long journey. You like to hope their maturity is a guarantee.
The issue of respect at the highest professional level is before us again and while I'm down here in the bus leagues, maybe you can all figure that out. Ines Sainz could be a good girl and change her personality and way of dressing, but it won't extinguish the male/female dynamic. Men will always see us as girls in the locker room or clubhouse. If being at the highest level of pro sports suggest to you a place where men change their thinking about women, let me be the first to tell you about all the young players I've had the pleasure of knowing in the minors. They've decided that no matter what a woman is wearing, they'll view her and treat her as a professional.
I don't know if all players get more mature as they go onto the big time, some definitely don't. That face that I had to look into that humiliated me? He went onto the big leagues. He caused more trouble there, too. Maturity isn't a definite.
If I'm in the minors forever, I'll have lived my dream. And I'm sure, even at the end, I'll have the high-as-heaven heels on. Elephants, well, I think they're kind of wonderful. They let you know they're there the minute they enter the room. I love those sorts of creatures.
To all you girls making your way to your internships, you'll likely get your test at the Minor League level and you'll more than likely want to move up the ranks. Or maybe you'll be like me and fall in love with it. The scrappiness, yes. The early hope of a young player. Watching them learn and grow and feel their confidence rise and fall, but all the time keeping their eyes on a larger prize. Maybe you'll relate to them in that way. You'll walk in and, let me warn you, you might hear laughter or have to interview a wet-behind-the-ears smart guy who thinks he's the next big thing in baseball. Focus. Smile.
Know that the Welcome mat was laid out for you.